Don’t we have to compromise our own passions or life work if we want to mother in the highest and best way for our kids?
It is a question I hear often from moms. And it is a one that I have wrestled with for years myself. The reason that I have struggled in this area is because my focus was very fear based- especially in the area of time. If only I had more time, I could be a better mother…if only I had more time, I could make a great living, if only I had more time, I would feed my family better etc.
But the truth is, we always have enough time and money for what we are committed to.
I have always been committed to my own self growth and exploring my passions. I invest in books, coaching and education (even if I have to travel far or stretch my last penny to get it) and since becoming a mother, I have almost always invested in organic food.
In order to determine what you are really committed to, in spite of your values, note ‘the happenings’ in your calendar and in your bank account.
Moms often tell me they marvel at how I get so much done. It is true, when it comes to creative endeavors (for me that is writing and teaching), I always have enough time. I make it happen no matter what. My soul requires it and I am not willing to compromise.
Yet, I have other values that I am less committed to. I say I want them, but I simply don’t prioritize them. For example, I struggle to spend quality time with my young children. At the end of the day, I love my children more than anything else, but struggle moment to moment to carve out quality time for them.
We compromise when we are not fully conscious of where our commitments are not aligned with our values.
The truth is, I have to schedule quality time with my kids, or it doesn’t happen naturally for me. It’s how I am currently wired. Quantity time with kids is easy, but after 10 years of being a stay at home mom, I never felt satisfied as a mother by quantity time. For me to feel aligned with who I am as a mother, I need to tune into the needs of my child’s purpose and support them to embody it.
So how do you know what your true commitments are, regardless of your noble values?
Start by taking note of what your values are and then actually make a study of how you use your time. How are you living in each moment and how do you structure your days? We have to get clear on what is working in our lives and what is not, and then take action to get back into alignment with our values. It is a matter of staying focused on what we want to create and not on ‘what is’.
Likely, in those places where you are out of alignment, you probably have emotional baggage or a value conflict standing in your way. In that case, no ‘thing’ will work for you. Drop the baggage and give your self permission to be who you are, rather than try to live up to an ideal that doesn’t actually serve you.
Ultimately the goal should be to create consensus between our own and our child`s needs and desires, rather than compromise. Consensus means that every one’s needs are considered and a higher way is creatively revealed that serves the interests, needs and desires of everyone concerned. Often this solution serves better than we could have even imagined or hoped for!
The truth is that this new mindset can be hard when either work or the needs of our children are currently dominating our attention.
The way through it is being willing to see another way. Have faith, ask for help and take action in the direction of your desires- and trust that spirit will meet you there.
Action is the key though- remember we live in a physical world. Cause and effect are forces that we must embrace if we want to consciously create our lives. The minute we start seeing ourselves as a victim and not using our own power ‘to cause’, all that we have worked so hard to create comes undone.
God/dess works through people, so the help you need will come as an opportunity to take someone else up on their offer- but you have to take them up on it for it to help (you have to be willing to say yes to it, even without seeing the how or the means by which you can have it- that is what faith is).
We are not in an easy place as mothers today living in a world that is not structured to support mothers (or children) to live to their fullest potential. There are so many voices telling us that it is either /or. Either stay at home and be a lovely nurturing fairy princess mommy or go out into the world and conquer it in your combat boots.
We must rise up as women and say enough is enough if we are going to create a blueprint for a new way of mothering and embody a feminine way of working so that our daughters are not left also with the belief that they must either martyr themselves to motherhood -or feel like they have to choose between being a self actualized woman or nurturing their children optimally on all levels.
What aspect of your life as a self actualizing woman and mother do you want transcend the either /or mentality and recreate it from a both/and consciousness?